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Thursday, March 5, 2009

Yes, No, Maybe, I don't know...Can you repeat the question??

I never imagined that having pets would create such headache when we need to travel. Matt has drill this weekend and my parents were going to keep the dogs for us so that we could get a hotel (no pets allowed) and spend the weekend swimming while matt is at drill. Well my mom called tonight and because of some things they have going on, they can't keep the dogs for us. We have to leave in the morning as soon as matt gets home which is usually around 6am! How am I supposed to re-arrange plans in that amount of time? I dont know what we are going to do, I suppose that me and the kids will have to stay home, which really irritates me because I was really looking forward to the trip. The kids are packed and they are going to be upset that they dont get to go swimming after all. Uggh, what do most people who have pets, do when they have to go away? Cats are easy, they dont have to go outside but dogs are so complicated. I hate to put them in a kennel but Geez, what am I supposed to do?

Well I'm done ranting, Just needed to blow off some steam.

Sweet Memories....

.....are leaving me quickly. Not sure if it's the seizures or the seizure meds, but I actually argued with my husband that Chloe never took ballet. He had to show me pictures of her in her tutu in the ballet studio (THAT I TOOK AND SENT TO HIM!) for me to realize I was wrong!

I am the one who drove her there every week and paid for the classes, and went shopping for her ballet outfit and tights and shoes and everything. How does someone just forget something like that? It wasn't that long ago, last fall I think.

I'm forgetting other things as well, conversations, appointments, etc. This is getting out of hand!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How long must I suffer?

Well I thought I was over it, but all of a sudden I have been thinking about the baby we might have had. We watched Hellboy the other night and the girl in the movie found out she was pregnant (of course) and so then I was upset the rest of the night because it made me think of things I didn't want to think about. So I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep.

Then tonight I e-mailed a cousin of mine who is expecting and I started thinking about the fact that she was only a few weeks ahead of me and she is getting her u/s to find out the sex. Which made me realize that if I were still pregnant I would start my 2nd trimester this saturday. That's far enough along to find out if we should start buying pink or blue. I know it happened for a reason... but wow, it still feels like a knife in my heart. How could I not think about it for so long and now after weeks of pushing it away, It breaks me?

I have been sitting here crying all over my computer and I thought maybe I would feel better if I typed it all out. So far it's only made me feel worse. I guess it will be another long night of crying into my pillow until I fall asleep exhausted and empty.

If you pray, please say one for me.

I know there are people in this world who are far worse off then me and I hurt for them, and I am so thankful for the children that I have, but it still doesn't lessen the pain I'm feeling.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

When it rains it pours I guess...

Most of you know what has been going on with us, but for those of you who don't here is a quick update. End of november, first of december sometime, found out we were pregnant (after trying over a year and seeing a fertility specialist and doing medications for some hormonal issues I was having) less then a week later, we found out my HCG wasn't rising like it was supposed to and to expect a loss. No reason why, he said these things just happen and are pretty common in early pregnancy. About a week after that the miscarriage started, right before my sons 8th b-day. Dealt with all the emotional stuff that month and was under a lot of stress from it. Decided to continue with our fertility meds because it had taken so long to get pregnant at all I didn't figure it would happen again for a while anyway.

First of January, I woke Matt up around 1 am or so having a grand mal seizure in my sleep. He tried to wake me out of it, shaking me and yelling at me but I couldn't understand what he was saying and I would just slip back into unconciousness. I think that made things worse, because I couldnt' even tell them in the ER what my name was or what year it was. As you can imagine, it was very scary, for myself and Matt. I had clawed strips of skin off my arm and bitten my tounge pretty bad, plus I was very out of it for a while, just couldn't seem to 'wake-up' completly. Had tons of tests, including but not limited to, two IV's, EEG, EKG, MRI, CT scan, X-Ray, blood work every four hours. Not much fun, my arms were black and blue and hurt for a week. When they did the bloodwork they discovered that I was pregnant, again, which was a suprise to me as we had had so much trouble trying to get pregnant. They told me that the seizure may have been caused by the increased estrogen from pregnancy plus the clomid I had been taking is an estrogen inducer so I had a large amount of estrogen in my blood anyway.

They let me go home and about two weeks later I miscarried again. I decided that I didnt' have it in me to continue on the fertility drugs. Then on Feb 1'st I was sleeping and woke up suddenly not really sure what was going on but I didn't feel right. I got up and walked around, I noticed that I had scratches on my arm and so then I started to worry. I called matt at work and told him I thought I may have had another seizure. So he called my neurologist and had the answering service call him. The dr. said that I should go to the ER but if I would rather wait, he would get me in the office that morning when the office opened. I decided that I would wait and go in the morning to the office. I thought 'what are the chances It will happen again' so I laid down on the couch and became very drowsey, very quickly and fell asleep. Less then an hour later, I woke up suddenly again and this time I noticed that my tounge hurt, I was having a hard time with my speech and I was really weak and off balance and couldn't hardly walk without holding on to the wall. I called matt and he said he was coming home to take me to the er, that we weren't waiting for the office to open.

When I got there they got my IV started and left me waiting in the cubicle for the dr. Matt had to take his work phone in and give report so I told him to go and then come back. I don't think he wanted to but he finally did. I think I asked him to turn the light off when he was leaving so I could go back to sleep because I was getting really sleepy again and the light was bugging me. The next thing I remember was waking up, in a different room and matt was there and it was daylight. Matt said while he was gone, the nurse had came in my room to get vitals or something and tried to wake me up, she said I opened my eyes and looked at her, then my eyes rolled up in my head and I started convulsing. So they gave me a huge dose of some anti-convulsent and I am not sure what they did after that.

So that makes four grand mal seizures all together and three in that one night. My hospital stay that time was un-eventful, they didn't even run many tests, just bloodwork. They wrote me a script for anti-seizure drugs and sent me home. Told me that I couldn't drive until I had been seizure free for six months. I already had a neuro appt for march 13th and they told me to just keep that one.

I had some bloodwork done either after the first seizure or after the last ones (can't remember when) at my family dr. and one of my thyroid tests (TSH I think) had come back too low (i think?) and my vitamin D-3 was severly low. So i had to start taking armour thyroid for my thyroid issues and 10,000 mg of D-3 everyday. So now I'm taking so much medication I have to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to take them.

It's been a load of fun as you can imagine and stressful, the drugs make me so irritable and so tired all I want to do is sleep and yell. I can't drive so matt is having to do all the errands on his one day off a week which really sucks for him. I feel terrible and we have no one around here to help us out so he is exhausted, and stressed and it's my fault and I can't do anything about it. I go to see the neurologist on march 13th and I'm hoping that he will have some ideas of what is causing the seizures. Since I started taking the drugs, I haven't had any seizures, so maybe he will let me lower my dose and see how I do. I am hoping it may have just been a reaction I had to the fertility drugs. That would solve the problem all together, but I'm sure it wont be that simple.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive about it all, 'it wasn't the right time to have a baby', 'God was sending me a message that I needed to chill out and let it happen when it's supposed to', but I have to say, I have had some pretty bad days.

I'm so thankful for what I have. I am so blessed, and I know there is a lesson to learn from all of this but still, it's a lot to deal with all at once.

anway, if you made it this far, you must be really bored by now! I need to post more often.

and I want to send a special 'THANK YOU!' to my wonderful sister in law who changed all the baby stuff on my blog after my miscarriage so that I didn't have to :) I appreciate you so much T!