How long must I suffer?

Well I thought I was over it, but all of a sudden I have been thinking about the baby we might have had. We watched Hellboy the other night and the girl in the movie found out she was pregnant (of course) and so then I was upset the rest of the night because it made me think of things I didn't want to think about. So I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep.

Then tonight I e-mailed a cousin of mine who is expecting and I started thinking about the fact that she was only a few weeks ahead of me and she is getting her u/s to find out the sex. Which made me realize that if I were still pregnant I would start my 2nd trimester this saturday. That's far enough along to find out if we should start buying pink or blue. I know it happened for a reason... but wow, it still feels like a knife in my heart. How could I not think about it for so long and now after weeks of pushing it away, It breaks me?

I have been sitting here crying all over my computer and I thought maybe I would feel better if I typed it all out. So far it's only made me feel worse. I guess it will be another long night of crying into my pillow until I fall asleep exhausted and empty.

If you pray, please say one for me.

I know there are people in this world who are far worse off then me and I hurt for them, and I am so thankful for the children that I have, but it still doesn't lessen the pain I'm feeling.